MindfulJoker686 (2015-08-23 00:57:17)

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Ember, Part One

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"Are you done yet?" I shouted into the mist. "Almost, give me a second." David took a long time anyway. This is normal for him, trust me. Suddenly there was a crash sound from within the mist, so instinctivley I went deeper into the cave to see if David was ok.

"David, are you here?" I called, but there was no reply. I edged further into the cave, and suddenly, a bright orange flash followed by the sound of a child crying knocked me off my feet. "David?" I called out worriedly. The crying got louder, and louder.

And then I saw him. Well, most of him.

There he was, laid on top of a rock, covered with burns and a massive cut in his chest. On the floor next to him, there was a message, written presumeably in David's blood. It read: "I'm here. You can't run now.".
Suddenly an arm grabbed my head.

Then it went black.

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Part two coming soon!

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Delta (2015-08-26 02:19:27)

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Slow it down. Spend more time on a scene.

Other than that okay, just next time, add more before publishing a part of the story

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NintendoDude (2015-10-04 09:44:18)

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0/10. Why couldn't David make a run for it? This story makes little to no sense.

This post has been edited one or more times, the last time was:
2015-10-04 17:00:10

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Perfect_Chaos (2015-10-04 23:47:07)

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Try to spend more time building the atmosphere, creepypastas are never good if they're rushed.

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