firebro999 (2014-07-26 02:17:27)

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There was a 13 year-old named George. He was a really nice person. On his birthday, he got a Nintendo 3DS and Super Mario 3D Land. He enjoyed his life until one day, his parents knew he was old enough to babysit himself, so they left him home. George went to play his 3DS and picked up his cartridge. It didn't say "Super Mario 3D Land". It was a blank cartridge with a angry face drawn on it. He didn't care for real. He sticked in the cartridge into the system. He started the system. It was just a blank screen. George thought that if he slid the 3D on, it would work. He slid it up. Suddenly, an evil killer image popped up. Then, the killer hopped out of the screen and attacked George. He put George in a sack and hopped back into the system, along with the sack. Also, his parents never returned from the store. What a horrible life they had.

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firebro999 (2014-07-26 02:17:57)

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What do you guys think?

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Pokemonbro12 (2014-07-26 20:29:56)

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G@y

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firebro999 (2014-07-27 18:51:53)

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You say what you are.

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Perfect_Chaos (2014-07-27 20:41:54)

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It needs a lot of work.

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Crush42 (2014-07-28 09:16:13)

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More plot, more details, more foreshadowing... Really, you have an interesting concept here, but as Perfect_Chaos said, it needs a lot of work. I don't see character development at all, so to begin improving, flesh out the characters with a bit of detail. Try to get readers to care about and connect with your characters, justifying their actions. Hope you care enough about it to consider a rewrite.

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