MeNobody14 (2013-04-26 10:50:30)

---

Okay. Everyone else has pretty much summed it up.

A: Your spelling needs work.
B: Your punctuation needs work.
C. Your grammer is still bad.

What they did not say is the lack of depth. You never introduced him. Describing what he looks like doesn't count. [You don't even have to describe him. I don't and nobody complains.] He needs character. Otherwise, he's just a "face in the crowd".

Another thing, Is the language. The way I see it, if your gonna have to censor it, then whats the freakin' point of writing it? You can easily get your point across without cussing every few sentences.

Thinking.

Ah, yes. Entering a persons mind is wonderful. But it's hard to tell whether or not He's thinking or speaking if you don't use Italics. Or Bold Letters. Or Colored letters even. Its easier to read that way. And, people like it more because it's another detail you've taken time to create.

All in All, I'd still give this a thumbs down. Sorry, But its not very good.

---

AmayaTime8D (2013-04-29 07:03:57)

---

Did you EVER go to school? Your grammar is the WORST I've seen. And the fact that you're SERIOUS makes it worse.
I wouldn't continue if I were you.

---

MeNobody14 (2013-04-29 08:10:04)

---

Bumping this? Seriously?!


OhwellIguessittsok..

Get a tutor. -b

---