Mametchi (2012-10-31 02:56:29)

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I just took the biggest, most painful, awful, terribly belligerent crap I have ever taken in my entire life. I tried telling my mom and she doesn't care so I came here because I have to get this out. It took 20 minutes. Twenty minutes from the time I started pushing until the fateful plop in the toilet. I didn't know the nature of the beast at first. I had that upset feeling in your stomach like you get when you know you'll have diarrhea, so I held it. All day. Then finally I could avoid it no longer. When I started to push, it felt like just a normal, big crap. But it would NOT COME OUT. No matter how hard I strained, and groaned, it wouldn't come out. I tried rocking back and forth. No dice. Side to side. Nada. Finally I relaxed a little out of fear of giving myself a stroke. I read some jokes on my phone, all the while applying slight pooping pressure but nothing major, in hopes of slowly dislodging the behemoth. Tried that for about five minutes, then back to serious pushing. My leg started to get this funny tingly feeling so I stopped and seriously started to think to myself "Dude, can I physically pass this? Am I going to have to suck this back in and go back to work? What the hell am I GONNA DO?!" I kept thinking about those pictures you see online of people with prolapsed rectums, with a pink sock hanging out of their ass, the very thought made me want to cut this birthing session short and call it a day. As a last resort, I got some toilet paper, reached into my ass and tried to tear it out, piece by piece. I did that, don't judge me. I got five pieces out, all about the size of a large peanut or a small 7 up bottle before I realized it was fruitless. This was going to be all or nothing. So I pushed with all my might, gave it everything I had. I gripped the bathroom stall handles as hard as I could and I PUSHED. I realized with glee that it was coming out! Then I realized with terror, IT WAS COMING OUT. When it got to the outer rim of my sphincter I felt a pain I had never felt in that region before and hope to never feel again. I felt it physically TEAR. I grimaced in pain and then PLOP. The toilet paper from picking pieces out prevented water from splashing my ass. I quickly got some toilet paper, reached down to discover my rectum was intact! But HORRIBLY STRETCHED OUT. I wiped once, no skids, gave up on that venture. Pulled my pants up as I rose. Turned around to see this damned sh!t from hell that caused me so much pain. It had sunk under the toilet paper. Well I couldn't have that. No, I had to see it. I HAD TO SEE THIS . I grabbed some more toilet paper, reached into the bowl and slid the other paper aside. I did that, don't judge me. I kid you not, sh!t was like a SODA CAN. A SODA CAN CAME OUT OF MY ASS. Luckily, the toilets at work were pretty powerful. Flushed the muthafugga like it ain't no thang. I sighed and returned to work. Looking back, I'm happy for the experience. I'm sure it'll be years before I ever encounter such a difficult obstacle. My ass still hasn't gone back to normal. I'm sure it'll be a few days. Well, thanks for listening guys, and I wish you nothing but the best s from this day forward. I hope you never have to face the horrors I've seen.

-Mametchi

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Mametchi (2012-10-31 03:02:42)

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LOL, MoThErFcUkInG mIrAcLeS...

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Mametchi (2012-10-31 03:11:51)

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I AM A BOI.

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THaT1GuY9001 (2012-10-31 03:15:04)

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XE

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DeathKid (2012-10-31 03:19:57)

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Brockno Gamzee.

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